by - Wednesday, June 01, 2016

It's not one of those sunny, perfectly planned days although those pictures can fool. I'm still pregnant, exactly 4 days overdue according to my already faded memory as to my last period waddling back and forth and it affects my mood, my clothing choices, daily activities. But I'm OK for most parts, waiting is such a blessing if there is somebody or something to be awaited for. Yet my head spins too easily, too easily it absorbs all that I try to steer away from, at least for now.

I came here to tell you I am not ordinary. It will never be so when others win trying to mold me, squeeze me into space I could exist to their standards. I've been in tears for the past few hours, I smiled in between, managed to help Nadia create a pretty baby cot mobile to decorate her brother's cotbed not knowing where else to place my focus. My stubbornness is quiet and my ideas take time to materialize, so far it's been tolerable. I know I avoid terms and escape stereotypes, my heart races ten times in an hour alone, it cannot be tamed. Today I realized it can be a problem for others, the unpredictability, the unknown, this head floating high in the clouds when the world is hardly answering our basic, existential needs. By loud hints and clues (hence the tears) I was reminded life is better when it's predictable, calm and lacking surprises. Life is meant to be enjoyed in between work, paying taxes and swearing in road traffic. You'd better embrace it, baby.

I came here today to tell you I am different. I could never stop loving what I'm loving, don't ask me to postpone my heart in dressing up this life in the best of clothing. This heart will never settle on ordinary no matter how much simplicity and authenticity I crave. I am a rolling stone, untamed animal, I need to be doing things your best friend and your mama never did or thought of. I'm trying to look at things as opportunities, good challenges and if there's a lot of rain in it, I know there's also a lot of sun in it too. Obstacles are future joys especially while the fire in me is still alive.

If marriage has taught me anything, it's that love comes in different shades and we all have our own visions of an amazing life. Have I learned today my vision escapes the widely accepted and approved, that it creates chaos and plants disturbance? Holy llama, I guess I haven't followed so it caught it me off guard. And as this boy is firmly planning to keep me pregnant for at least another week I shouldn't be focused on such hard topics but restocking our snack pantry.

In closing -- we're only as interesting to ourselves and others as we are true to our own selves. I don't intend to change so don't even take the mold out of the cabinet. You see, I still haven't figured out the shape myself.

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