I'm feeling especially cuddly today, irritatingly kiss hunting and back tickling. A little lazy, a little emotional. She obeys and all sorts of funny sounds are flying out of her mouth as we're playing hide and seek to finish off on the unmade bed pretending we've just survived the aliens attack. It is a huge responsibility to be raising a girl, such pleasure and fun. Seeing her lashes curl and hair growing longer, living in her twirliest stage. As a big girl she dresses herself, takes the yoghurt out of the fridge, opens it and eats it nicely at the table, sometimes however she chooses to be fragile and not wanting to be seen outside my arms which I commit my whole energy to because this will not be, this will not last.
What will she be like when she grows up to be like tall and beautiful and all? I have to tell you I used to let myself get carried away in those grand ideas of future moments with my growing up babe until I've realized nothing of what's after tomorrow really matters. It does in a way but won't be more important than today, mostly doing nothing much in particular but being together. 47 months this very minute of am/pm moments of her presence. It cannot be much through those years I will not see her or be able to put my arms around her slender body. I did learn a few things while deciding on getting pregnant again, most of all from here on I will try to see our future optimistically and welcome its occurrences with understanding and acceptance. It really is the most ridiculous thing to be killing yourself with thoughts on how to tie your flesh and bones to yourself while there will be other things on her mind. She might want to take me out on a shopping spree the dreariest day while watching the pavement slowly disappear under a thick dusting of snow or spend the last coin to say hello from the other side of the spinning globe. How do I know? Because I love her with all my being. That's how I know.
Four years old in a month. Chubby cheeks, big blue eyes overtaking the face and a shag of curly blonde locks are sitting on my desk as photographic reminder of pretty slender girlie face they have transformed into. She was always taller than average child her age, now when I see her climbing on the sofa or curling on the floor, her legs seem to have no end. Expressions on her face have changed too – they always carry a meaning, an explanation, a cue. Hands and fingers are able to perform tasks not so long ago they wouldn’t manage without help. It is truly wonderful how she becomes more and more fascinating to us each day yet still that dear little baby makes appearance on many occasions and cuddles, mama’s helping hands are more than welcome.
I’m so grateful you’re the girl I put my arms around each day, N.