We should be done with any kind of trip for now as my photo storage devices are bursting with things we did and I mentioned them here a long time ago and never got back to. Between the circus experience, my first night out in light years, cheering Nadia with her pirouetting skills we traveled near and far, visited our new kindergarten a few times so you know what I could go on about now. A definite treat if you had an hour to spare. I'm back after a short break but I wasn't so certain. I don't recall much from the past weeks because of this rush of emotions, headache inducing thoughts and I don't find it sensational at all. This very minute or so things have the ability to surprise me, challenge me at their own pace rocking back and forth between the bliss of a final decision and that genie of an emerging thought glowing like an elevator light signalizing its urgency.
Children were mentioned time and time again when I was still wearing Disney characters on the front of my shirt. House full of loved ones was always on my radar. There's nothing better than the atmosphere of rush with everyone talking over each other putting their hands out to reach the food, laughing and creating silly arguments. All that noise of giggling, refusing fourth helping of dumplings or whatever's been held for the fast eaters and supervised with watchful eye would one day be recreated at my less than sparkling kitchen.
Side note: It is still less than sparkling today as I'm circling around the idea of bringing another child to the world.
Deciding on being a mum again has taken over not only corners of my soul by step by step it's been advancing into the thoughts and words I say. I feel like my recent being has been built upon my body's yearning. It won't take no for an answer and I can't let its powerful suggestion just hang there. Because I could find out easily enough why loving one has made my life complete and how it would be made up for the lives of two magnificently, letting the keyboard do the talking why adding another human being to the mix would bless us with that chaos worth living for. Instead it has taken me from feeling sure and ready to feeling lost, questioning my parental skills. I'm not thinking with my heart, I've let my head take over with multiplying reasons for and against it, prompting my next moves. I've focused on the heavy loads of every day worries pushing aside the significance of our actions being the result of loving and feeling loved in the first place. What it felt like the first time? Why is it harder now? Why do we complicate things?
Of course there are shadows even behind the flower beds making all the visible magic doubling the doubts for sure but no reason's necessary for offering my love and attention to another child. No guarantee of what's to come will be given either. People feel it when they're ready, the space they've created seeks the sound of pitter patter naturally, without much reasoning or outlining deadlines. While tucking pre-loved rompers and onesies away, admitting I'm not ready for this journey again was comforting because of that little face I wake up to every morning recognizing its smile or frown. Starved for a hug? There she is running frantically towards me and I'm ready for next stages of her growing up like never before. Just her. For now.
Side note: I still love house full of loved ones. Never doubt me on this one!
And come back for more best days of our lives. We have been busy!
More than anything, have a great Wednesday lovelies! x